on living mythology

i've had alot of life suckage lately. i won't bore you (or me) with the details, just suffice it to say that i've spent alot of time staring at blank walls. dealing with pain issues, weight issues (relating to pain issues and i just have a big butt).

i was on scads of pain meds which probably lent itself to the wall-staring. however, the wall-staring seemed to be productive. i realized that i've been living my own mythology.

don't know what i'm talking about? stop a minute and ask yourself if there are areas of your life that you are doing the same thing. i started asking myself what i say "i can't" to. i can't drive cos my knee locks. i can't walk far cos it hurts too much. i can't lose weight cos i'm too old and it's too much effort. i can't participate in (birthday parties, crops, shopping trips, vacations, travel) because i can't walk far and it hurts too much.

it seems that just the realization was enough. i've lost close to 65 pounds since late october 2007 and i'm off ALL pain meds except one. (i will admit to keeping a bottle of everything i was on, because i do have flares. i'm loaded for bear in that case).

losing weight has been easy peasy. learning how to wasn't so. i had to learn what physical hunger was as opposed to emotional hunger...eating out of anxiety, fear, anger, elation, pain. kind of how i quit smoking 13 years ago. i only eat when my body needs it, not when my mind thinks it can fill a need.

i have coffee and a nutrigrain bar for brekkie, a meal mid to late afternoon and a protein smoothie whenever i feel the need in the evening. my doc's only concern was that i didn't have enough energy. but i do. due to the smoothies...i'm probably getting more easily digestible (soy) protein than ever.

if you want to change your life, change your mind.

i'm in the midst of writing a new myth to fill the holes where the old ones were...the story of Sandi the heroine, who is a self-supporting artist.